Sunday, August 23, 2015

Going Through It

It all started with a glance,lustful thoughts with no expectations,no direction,not looking,nor searching,at a great place in my life, also where I was comfortable with who and where I was at this time,a new job,and things seemed to have been taking a turn for the better,notice that I did say seemed,which is probably jumping the gun at this point, was it lust,was it infatuation,which will be greater understood as i go on,I wake up,started my day with my regular routine as usual,not knowing that this particular morning would be slightly different from my normal,I head out of the door, hop into my car and on my way to work,slight smile as I listen to talk radio which I did every morning before work to get my mind right or set the mood before I go in, I pull into the parking lot,driving down the isles searching for the closest parking space as I'm pulling in what do I see,her walking in towards the plant door,so I hurry up and park,grab my things and hop out of my car,she does not see me at this point,so I yell out to her    hey!!! she turns around and looks back,then I shouted hold up a minute..she did,so I proceeded to jog to catch up to her, not sure what to say I quickly blurted out yo yo yo baby what's up?lol,I'm just I approached her I asked do you mind if I walk in with you ?she said sure I don't mind..I'm (me),I'm (her)she replied,ok,ok, nice to formally meet you (her)nice to meet you too. As time passed I would come to learn the real her,but who would or could have known that something that I intended to be just a fling would have turned into a series of events that would later spiral completely out of control and come to me having a new child and dealing with an emotionally damaged,confused,manipulative person. Can it be it that it was all so simple then?. The one on one visits by my place where we would enjoy each other's company  ,before the family home invasions,your past  constantly rearing,the constant arguing about who's kid is better,the religious bullying,the lack of intimacy,the lack of communication which I doubt we ever had in the first place,the constant critical behavior,you didn't see the allegations? check the resume?. You've been coached that it's me that will loose if this whatever it is changes truth is it doesn't matter because I truly can't miss what I never had to begin with and that's a real relationship. Yep,gave up a lot,missed out on so much shit living this life, but still,even though I know,how the hell did I end up here?!?! I'm quite sure many can understand this story you get with the local promiscuous female, not knowing the story/background you fall victim to her false charms, or attributes but trust me the story almost allways ends the same,then bringing babies into false relationships is not a good idea because regardless of the selfish motives that child has to live with your fucked up choices. It's always the same he did this,she did that but never resolving shit just holding on to give that kid a better opportunity than you had,all seems like it makes sense,multiple baby daddies got you echoes of your not my dad,you're treating your kids better than mine when it's just personal feelings that got you all feeling orientated. Can I write it down? you know,keep tabs,like every little thing I do I wanna feel like you owe me something,a damn shame that prenup feeling,place a price on what?years..moments,experiences,gifts,knowledge,is acknowledging that enough?truthfully the next best thing is the next best thing & loves not time,it is precious,but we good at wasting it.

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