Monday, August 24, 2015

Dear You

UDear You,You are emotionally damaged as well as physically,sex is not a tool used to gain self worth,esteem,or to be used as leverage to obtain what you want,if there were a relationship resume what would yours read?how many facts would be left out?and vainly you assume everyone is out to get you when in fact I think you're inability to be honest and lack of communication as well common sense is your true enemy. You're the kind of person that can't fix things you'd rather find ways to destroy them or throw them away & replace them and this is how you live your life,you're not healthy to be around because if progress is not yours you don't want to see anyone else. Emotionally reckless is a statement that comes to mind when I think of you. I hope this helps you in some way to open to new possibilities,but ego issues probably won't allow that to happen.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Going Through It

It all started with a glance,lustful thoughts with no expectations,no direction,not looking,nor searching,at a great place in my life, also where I was comfortable with who and where I was at this time,a new job,and things seemed to have been taking a turn for the better,notice that I did say seemed,which is probably jumping the gun at this point, was it lust,was it infatuation,which will be greater understood as i go on,I wake up,started my day with my regular routine as usual,not knowing that this particular morning would be slightly different from my normal,I head out of the door, hop into my car and on my way to work,slight smile as I listen to talk radio which I did every morning before work to get my mind right or set the mood before I go in, I pull into the parking lot,driving down the isles searching for the closest parking space as I'm pulling in what do I see,her walking in towards the plant door,so I hurry up and park,grab my things and hop out of my car,she does not see me at this point,so I yell out to her    hey!!! she turns around and looks back,then I shouted hold up a minute..she did,so I proceeded to jog to catch up to her, not sure what to say I quickly blurted out yo yo yo baby what's up?lol,I'm just I approached her I asked do you mind if I walk in with you ?she said sure I don't mind..I'm (me),I'm (her)she replied,ok,ok, nice to formally meet you (her)nice to meet you too. As time passed I would come to learn the real her,but who would or could have known that something that I intended to be just a fling would have turned into a series of events that would later spiral completely out of control and come to me having a new child and dealing with an emotionally damaged,confused,manipulative person. Can it be it that it was all so simple then?. The one on one visits by my place where we would enjoy each other's company  ,before the family home invasions,your past  constantly rearing,the constant arguing about who's kid is better,the religious bullying,the lack of intimacy,the lack of communication which I doubt we ever had in the first place,the constant critical behavior,you didn't see the allegations? check the resume?. You've been coached that it's me that will loose if this whatever it is changes truth is it doesn't matter because I truly can't miss what I never had to begin with and that's a real relationship. Yep,gave up a lot,missed out on so much shit living this life, but still,even though I know,how the hell did I end up here?!?! I'm quite sure many can understand this story you get with the local promiscuous female, not knowing the story/background you fall victim to her false charms, or attributes but trust me the story almost allways ends the same,then bringing babies into false relationships is not a good idea because regardless of the selfish motives that child has to live with your fucked up choices. It's always the same he did this,she did that but never resolving shit just holding on to give that kid a better opportunity than you had,all seems like it makes sense,multiple baby daddies got you echoes of your not my dad,you're treating your kids better than mine when it's just personal feelings that got you all feeling orientated. Can I write it down? you know,keep tabs,like every little thing I do I wanna feel like you owe me something,a damn shame that prenup feeling,place a price on what?years..moments,experiences,gifts,knowledge,is acknowledging that enough?truthfully the next best thing is the next best thing & loves not time,it is precious,but we good at wasting it.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

When it all goes down

I will be the first to admit that I've made a million mistakes that I wouldn't call regrets but if there were any chance to go back and redo some of this shit I wouldn't think twice. Life has a way of bringing you to a place where all you have left is reflection and choice,reflection on the choices that we've made and the choice to move forward without the clouded judgement of what could have been. So many things we do in our daily lives that we ourselves look to as mediocre as well as others around us. It's important as a lover of ones self that we take pride in each and every thing that we do,no matter how small it may be,because everyone won't go on to do big or great things in their lives and sometimes chasing that big or great happening we let life pass us by. People always seem to be fixated with/on how much? how big? how many? keeping score instead of appreciating and embracing the fact that nothing is owed to us or obligated by us . To see good is impossible when your always looking for,hoping for or expecting more,and comparing this to that. As an individual I try and stress the word try to separate my feelings of not being good enough compared to that other persons accomplishments.That my feelings of wanting to do better for myself and where I'm at,at this point doesn't discourage me from trying to do better. We all have to start from somewhere, and unfortunately most of us from the bottom. More Than Words,it's easy to become successful and hoard this for yourself,but how about helping others to get there? I know I would